When I lose my way, find me

This last year was a crazy one for me. And not in a good way. I am seriously glad to see 2011 come to an end.  I always write a post reviewing the past year and welcoming the new but it has taken me some time to force myself to sit down and write. When I think back over the year I envision a big fat rollercoaster screaming along at top speed with me hanging off the back car holding on for dear life. To others it looked like I was lounging in a rollercoaster car with my feet propped up and a peaceful smile on my face as I calmly embraced the ups and downs on the ride. And that is how depression works.  No one around you knows how desperately you are trying to keep it together.  No one around you knows that you are struggling to keep a smile on your face when you all you want to do is cry.  No one knows…..sometimes you don’t even know it yourself.

Let me fast forward to October of 2011.  I was sitting in my kitchen making tiny clay angry birds for my sons birthday cake.  I started to cry and I never stopped. I called my mom and didn’t say anything.  I just sobbed.  She told me what I knew she would.  Then I called my sister and I didn’t say anything.  I just sobbed hysterically.  She told me what I knew she would. With their encouragement, I got in my car and drove myself straight to the Community Care.  I met with a very kind doctor and when all was said and done, I left with a bottle of Cymbalta and a diagnosis of depression.

This was my thought process at the time- Depression? No…… Not me!  I mean, I have always been a happy person.  I always look for the positives.  Everyone gets in a rut sometimes, right? It’s something that I should just be able to snap myself out of.  I am strong! I made it through my husbands 6 year drug addiction and I came through it just fine….so why am I unable to cope now when my life is actually pretty good?  I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I have to take a pill to make myself happy. I know it runs in my family, but I’m different. I should be able to pull myself together.  My life isn’t bad…..so why do I feel so unhappy, alone, hopeless, angry, resentful, crazy? Why can’t I stop crying? Maybe if I pray real hard it will all go away….except I don’t want to pray.  Actually I don’t want to do anything.  If I could lay in my bed alone all day I would. What would people think if they knew? I’m a failure. 

Let’s rewind to February.  I had a doctors appointment to change my birth control….I know, I know,TMI. But it all goes along with the story so just go with it or quit reading. I had been experiencing some major anxiety for a few months and decided to talk to her about that while I was there.  I detailed my family’s history of depression and explained my symptoms.  She dismissed it as nothing and so did I.  In what would turn out to be a horrible, uneducated, last minute decision, I got my first Depo Provera shot. My anxiety increased through spring and I just tried to work through it. Still having no alternative bc plan, I went back and got my second Depo shot in May.  Second horrible, uneducated, last minute decision.  Obviously I am not a fast learner. After the second shot I gained 17 pounds in ONE WEEK!! SEVENTEEN! I started to have extreme mood swings. I was angry and aggressive and depressed. My poor husband took the brunt of all this. It was confusing and exhausting.  I called my doctors office to describe all the symptoms and ask them if they were related to the shot.  They told me no but I knew my body was reacting to the Depo.  I got online and found more info about Depo.  The most common side effects were 1. Weight Gain 2. Loss of Libido 3. Aggression and 4. Depression.  Hmmmmm. Check, check, check andddddd check. Awesome.  I decided not to go back on anything and let the years and years of bc hormones work their way out of my body.

Summer came and things got a little better. I think the sunshine was the biggest contributing factor there.  But as autumn rolled around, I took a very quick turn for the worse.  I was angry.  At everything.  I was bitter and consumed with my disdain for certain people.  Everything bothered me and I was SO negative.  I quit caring.  My house was a disaster and I didn’t care enough to clean it. I didn’t do anything I enjoyed.  I found no happiness in my family.  I was irrational and throwing out crazy ideas.  Want to hear a few?  I wanted to quit my job (that I love), get a divorce (from the man I love) and run away (from the kids I love). WHAT the WHAT?  I had opened up to my sister and she had talked to me about depression before my phone call in October.  I knew it was a problem but you never really know how bad it is until you are doing better and can look back from a healthy place. I know now that I was probably a few days away from a complete breakdown.  I am glad I went to the doctor when I did.

I saw an immediate change when I started taking the Cymbalta.  It was such a relief to be happy and calm.  After about a month a wonderful thing happened.  I started to catch glimpses of a girl I haven’t seen for awhile.  You may know her. She is really silly and fun and happy. I have missed her. I am so thankful to live in a time where we have access to pharmaceuticals that can greatly help us. I have a new understanding and compassion for people who deal with depression and other mental illnesses.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I was reassured to find that many people take anti-depressants for a short period of time and then discontinue use (with their doctors help) and are fine.  I plan to continue taking it for 6 months and then I will re-evaluate where I am.  It is something I hope to wean off of in one years time.  But we will see.

So back to my thought process from earlier….Here is what I know now. I am a happy person, I do look for the positive.  I was in a rut.  It’s not always something you can snap out of.  Sometimes the chemicals in your body do their own thing.  It is not a fault or a weakness….it just is what it is.  I am strong.  I did make it through some crazy stuff and now I have one more life experience to share with others. I am not embarrassed to be taking Cymbalta.  It has given me my sanity back and probably saved my family. Did I become depressed because it’s hereditary? Maybe.  Was it triggered by my birth control change? Possibly. It doesn’t really matter why it happened because now I can say my life IS wonderful and I say a prayer of thanksgiving each day.  I am definitely not a failure and last but not least, what will people think? Probably many of the same things I thought.  Because there is a huge stigma surrounding depression. But I don’t mind what people think.  I want my struggles on this journey called life to have meant something. I want to use my life experiences to reach out to another who is silently hurting.  To say, it’s okay.  I have been there.  You are not alone.

I am so grateful for my husband.  He was married to a CRAZY person this year.  Up and down and all around!  Last year I posted this song that speaks to my heart.  There is one verse that especially rang true to me this year.  

So when I lose my way, find me

When I lose loves chains, bind me

At the end of all my faith

to the end of all my days

when I forget my name, remind me

He truly did find me when I had lost my way, when I ran out of faith, and he reminded me when I forgot who I was.  If I didn’t know it before, I know now more than ever that this man loves me unconditionally and he stood by my side through some very rough days and nights, even when I was unkind and lashing out. Music is so powerful.  I wish I had the talent to write a song to express how I am feeling.  Every once in awhile I find a song that completely describes a particular time in my life.  This song by Sarah McLachlan really sums up the rock that Kenny was for me this year.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day

The last few months of 2011 have been good.  Healing.  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas. Life was progressing along nicely and then……..

**********************************  BAM!!!   ***************************************

Kenny lost his job on the Wednesday after Christmas. Out of the blue.  We totally did not see that coming. So that kind of left us scrambling to figure some things out.  But you know what?  It will be okay.  I believe there is a reason everything happens.  Maybe 2012 holds a new challenge or lesson that God wants us to learn.  Even with a job loss as a start to the new year, I am looking forward with hope that 2012 will be a year of personal happiness for me.

Soul Searching

I have been going through a spiritual drought. I haven't been praying, except when there's a "crisis" and I need something.  And then I don't pray again.  I haven't been reading my scriptures.  I haven't been teaching my children gospel truths at home. I haven't been listening for the spirit to touch me.  I haven't been cultivating a grateful heart. I haven't been giving service to others. I've just been spiritually numb.

I've also been thinking alot about my kids and the things I am NOT teaching them. I feel this tightening in my chest as I realize how quickly time is ticking by. Life just gets in the way and I'm so busy that those important things get pushed aside for tomorrow and then the next day and then they never happen. Life has become a routine.  Eat, work, chores, repeat. With no time made for God. 

We decided last minute to take a family camping trip over the weekend.  I was trying to get out of town on that Saturday by a certain time and had this enormous to do list looming.  I ran around all morning barking orders and yelling at the kids.  I was not being kind or patient towards my little ones. We finally made it on the road and were headed on our "relaxing family trip".  I sat there in the car and thought about my actions. My harsh words, my example.  I was out of control and I regretted treating my kids that way.  I tried really hard the rest of the weekend to let my kids be kids and to just enjoy their unique personalities. In that I succeeded.  We did have a relaxing weekend and I loved spending time with my family.

 I really reflected alot on the irony....me creating a hostile environment because I was in a hurry to get packed for a relaxing environment. I thought about it all week and then I read this blog post by Jami at Hello from the Nato's (one of my FAVORITE bloggers). She talks about "a gentle nudge towards a more intentional, thoughtful consideration of my children's spiritual lives...instead of being on cruise control." It really touched me and made me realize how much harder I need to try, how much more my kids deserve and how much I am letting my kids, myself and my Father down.

The good news? It was the first spiritual fluttering I have felt for awhile, which is a start. Today I checked her blog again and found this follow up post.  It is a must read! In this post she shares a link to a blog post written by the author of the book "Loving the Little Years".  The article was like a sucker punch to my stomach and literally brought me to tears.  I have my perspective back.

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

July 14, 2011|by:Rachel Jankovic|Category:Commentary

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A few years ago, when I just had four children and when the oldest was still three, I loaded them all up to go on a walk. After the final sippy cup had found a place and we were ready to go, my two-year-old turned to me and said, “Wow! You have your hands full!”
She could have just as well said, “Don’t you know what causes that?” or “Are they all yours?!”
Everywhere you go, people want to talk about your children. Why you shouldn’t have had them, how you could have prevented them, and why they would never do what you have done. They want to make sure you know that you won’t be smiling anymore when they are teenagers. All this at the grocery store, in line, while your children listen.

A Rock-Bottom Job?

The truth is that years ago, before this generation of mothers was even born, our society decided where children rank in the list of important things. When abortion was legalized, we wrote it into law.
Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get. In fact, children rate below your desire to sit around and pick your toes, if that is what you want to do. Below everything. Children are the last thing you should ever spend your time doing.
If you grew up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood, to think like a free Christian woman about your life, your children. How much have we listened to partial truths and half lies? Do we believe that we want children because there is some biological urge, or the phantom “baby itch”? Are we really in this because of cute little clothes and photo opportunities? Is motherhood a rock-bottom job for those who can’t do more, or those who are satisfied with drudgery? If so, what were we thinking?

It's Not a Hobby

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.
Christian mothers carry their children in hostile territory. When you are in public with them, you are standing with, and defending, the objects of cultural dislike. You are publicly testifying that you value what God values, and that you refuse to value what the world values. You stand with the defenseless and in front of the needy. You represent everything that our culture hates, because you represent laying down your life for another—and laying down your life for another represents the gospel.

Run to the Cross

But a Christian should have a different paradigm. We should run to to the cross. To death. So lay down your hopes. Lay down your future. Lay down your petty annoyances. Lay down your desire to be recognized. Lay down your fussiness at your children. Lay down your perfectly clean house. Lay down your grievances about the life you are living. Lay down the imaginary life you could have had by yourself. Let it go.
Death to yourself is not the end of the story. We, of all people, ought to know what follows death. The Christian life is resurrection life, life that cannot be contained by death, the kind of life that is only possible when you have been to the cross and back.
The Bible is clear about the value of children. Jesus loved them, and we are commanded to love them, to bring them up in the nurture of the Lord. We are to imitate God and take pleasure in our children.

The Question Is How

The question here is not whether you are representing the gospel, it is how you are representing it. Have you given your life to your children resentfully? Do you tally every thing you do for them like a loan shark tallies debts? Or do you give them life the way God gave it to us—freely?
It isn’t enough to pretend. You might fool a few people. That person in line at the store might believe you when you plaster on a fake smile, but your children won’t. They know exactly where they stand with you. They know the things that you rate above them. They know everything you resent and hold against them. They know that you faked a cheerful answer to that lady, only to whisper threats or bark at them in the car.
Children know the difference between a mother who is saving face to a stranger and a mother who defends their life and their worth with her smile, her love, and her absolute loyalty.

Hands Full of Good Things

When my little girl told me, “Your hands are full!” I was so thankful that she already knew what my answer would be. It was the same one that I always gave: “Yes they are—full of good things!”
Live the gospel in the things that no one sees. Sacrifice for your children in places that only they will know about. Put their value ahead of yours. Grow them up in the clean air of gospel living. Your testimony to the gospel in the little details of your life is more valuable to them than you can imagine. If you tell them the gospel, but live to yourself, they will never believe it. Give your life for theirs every day, joyfully. Lay down pettiness. Lay down fussiness. Lay down resentment about the dishes, about the laundry, about how no one knows how hard you work.
Stop clinging to yourself and cling to the cross. There is more joy and more life and more laughter on the other side of death than you can possibly carry alone.
Rachel Jankovic is a wife, homemaker, and mother. She is the author of "Loving the Little Years" and blogs at Femina. Her husband is Luke, and they have five children: Evangeline (5), Daphne (4), Chloe (2), Titus (2), and Blaire (5 months).

Tonight I am feeling grateful.  Grateful that my heart has been touched.  Grateful that I have the opportunity to continually improve as a woman, a mother and a daughter of God.  Grateful for the children that God has entrusted to me and grateful to all the mothers around me that are examples to me everyday.

The month that nearly did me in PART 2

Ok where did we leave off?……. oh yes at #9.

9. Cousin Camp.  Every summer my kids attend Cousin Camp for 3 days.  This year the theme was Olympics.  They congregated at my house on the last day to play water games.  All the parents came for dinner as well.

Water games galore and tractor rides.

 

My man wearing my hot polka dot sunglasses and Kylie all blinged out.

My sister Becky with her sweet Zoey, and the family waiting for the closing ceremonies.

The Cousins.

10. New Job.  Kenny was recruited by Lithia to be the General Manager of a  Honda store here in Pocatello.  Any time you are faced with making career decisions, especially a job change, it is very stressful.  Roll up everything else going on this month and add that worry on top of it.  A stressed out husband makes a stressed out woman!  Once we decided it would be a good opportunity for Kenny and for our family it added a whole new set of events to our already crazy month.  He had several days off to just hang out with the family and I LOVED having him home.  He helped with the housework, getting laundry caught up and ran kids around while I was at work.  I told him he would make a good Mr.. Mom. ;) Then he flew to Montana for a week (the week that school started and the week I ran my 1/2 marathon!) to train at a Lithia store there.  It was a CRAZY week while he was gone, but we all survived and are happy to have him home.  It is a blessing just to have a job right now and we feel especially grateful for this opportunity.  Kenny started at the new store the day after Labor Day.  I am so impressed by him everyday.  He has a great way with people and is a very smart leader.

11. Montessori Open House.  We enrolled Kylie and Kaiden in Montessori this year.  Actually it is a lottery system. Kylie got in and so Kaiden was bumped  up on the list for preschool.  I am really excited especially for Kylie.  As you know we have struggled with Kylie and academics since she was in 1st grade.  Really this is a last ditch attempt and I hope it will be a good fit for her.  We met the teachers and I LOVE Kylies teacher.  My heart swelled (cheesy, I know. But it swelled, really it did) when I met her and listened to her.  I think she will be just what Kylie needs.  A snippet about the Montessori method- All children have inherent inner directives from nature that guides their true normal development.  The Montessori method respects individual liberty of children to choose their own activities. This freedom allows children to follow their inner guidance for self-directed learning. ( Post note:  We are into week 2 of school and so far no complaints or whining or negative self talk….she even did her homework on her own! yay!)  The open house went on during the days Kenny had off work.  He came with me (that never happens in the car business when they work 8-8) It was nice to have him there, although I do not know how he made it through school in one piece.  I take that back….I don’t know how his TEACHERS made it through in one piece.  He was playing with everything around him, tapping his pencil, writing and passing notes, bothering those sitting around him (me) and being generally inattentive.  (But i did like the note he passed me♥)

12. Date night.  Because Kenny was leaving for a week and we knew his September would be crazy busy, we tried to cram in a few dates before he left.  You know those date nights where you are both in a good frame of mind, the conversation is flowing and everything just goes perfect? Ya, this was one of those dates.  The summer night was beautiful, we sat out on a gorgeous patio and enjoyed a good meal.  Loved it.

   

13. 80’s Flashback.  Kenny “scored” (if that’s what you want to call it) tickets to the Warrant, Royal Bliss and Cinderella concert. Now I enjoy me some 80’s Hair Band music every now and then, but this concert was a little over the top for me.  I just enjoyed being there with my favorite person and did a lot of people watching….and let me tell you, the people watching at an outdoor concert is always entertaining.  It reminds me of the State Fair.  I mean really, where are these people hiding during normal daylight hours? It’s like they only come out at night for special events such as butt rock concerts and demolition derby’s. Anyway, I knew most of the Warrant songs so that was fun but when Cinderella came out, I only knew one song and it was the last one.  I know you are sad you missed out!  But don’t worry, I took pictures for you.  My commentary is a bonus.  You’re welcome.

Awwwww.  Aren’t we cute? ♥

I am apologizing in advance for burning your retinas with my first pic.  Don’t forget to notice that she took extra time to crimp her hair…. you know to be authentic.  Next is Tuck Friar? Maybe not…..well whoever he is, he is the “Worlds Most Dangerous Something or Other”.  It says so on his shirt.  Then we have a Mullet Man.  It just wouldn’t be an 80’s concert without one.   Picture #4 is what has become of the 80’s generation….Alice Cooper shirt and balding dome.  Next is some crazy freak guy…. oh wait, that’s my husband. He REALLY liked this concert.  What is freaky about this picture is that Mullet Man from picture three is staring at him from the corner???? Weird. Last is my awesome cell phone snap of Cinderella performing.  There, do you feel like you attended with me?  Didn’t want you to miss it.

 

14. One expensive penny. I was at the mall doing some school shopping with the kids.  We were in Payless.  I was on one side of the store and Kelsey and Kaiden were on the other.   I heard Kaiden crying but I thought he probably grabbed something and Kelsey put it back so I didn’t thing anything about it.  After a minute I heard a commotion so I walked around the aisle.  He had swallowed a penny and it was lodged in his throat.  There were a  few ladies there who were FREAKING out.  I stayed calm and just made sure he was breathing and talking.  He threw up in my hands because he kept gagging.  I took him to the urgent care in the parking lot of the mall.  The nurse there wanted to call an ambulance and take him to the ER.  That was the first time I was concerned.  I declined and opted to drive him myself.  I left the girls in the waiting room while we were admitted.  They took an X ray and found the penny lodged in there pretty good.  I called Kenny to come join me when they started talking IV’s and other stuff.

 

They put in an IV and took us to the radiology room.  We all donned lead vests.  I started to get worried when they rolled in life support carts and had 5 extra people standing in the room in case he aspirated the penny into his lungs as they were pulling it out.  They laid him on the table and had a live X ray machine going so the doctor could guide the tube.  They took a catheter and put it down his throat past the penny.  Then they would blow up the balloon at the bottom of the tube and try to pull the penny up with the balloon as they pulled it out.  All you moms out there know what its like to hold your child down while a medical procedure is taking place….it is the worst!  Kaiden had to lay on his side with Kenny holding down his body and me holding his head.  He is gagging, choking crying and puking while they are fishing the tube down his throat.  It was about as big around as a pencil.  The first 8 times didn’t work.  It was horrible to have to keep doing it over and over.  Each time they yanked the tube out, Kaiden would sit up and in his raspy little voice say, “ Did you get the penny out?” They decided try and fill the balloon with water instead of air to make it firmer.  We coaxed Kaiden into laying down for another go and this time was the worst.  When they filled the balloon with water and pulled it up, it was so firm that the doctor was seriously pulling on the tube with a ton of force.  Kaiden screamed because it hurt rubbing up his throat.  That try didn’t work, but the next one did.  Thank goodness.  I don’t think Kaiden would have lasted much longer.   Once he had a popsicle, he was good as new.

 

Here is why you don’t let your kids put money in their mouth.  I am so grateful my son did not die.  I know that sounds drastic, but he could have!  I figure this will be a $1,000 penny.

I really thought I could finish my post, but it will have to extend to The month that nearly did me in PART 3.  Coming up is drivers training, school starting, a half marathon and more.

The “Estate”

The lease on the home we are renting is ending in June.  I have been stressed about finding somewhere to live because there is nothing available.  I have been looking for a few months and wondering what we were going to do.  And then things fell into place, like they always seem to do.  I am so happy we are moving in the warm weather.  The last two moves we did over Christmas.  I do not recommend that to anyone!
We are so excited  to be moving to this beautiful home next week. It really is amazing. I love how peaceful and secluded it is.  Our own little resort.
Here are some pics.  We move next week.  I haven’t  really packed. YIKES!
 

The Living Room

The Kitchen and the back deck with beautiful view.
 
More of the beautiful view and looking to the backyard and pool.
 
The Library outside the Master Bedroom and the Reading Nook with gorgeous view.

 
The Pool and Playground.  As you can see we have ALOT of work to do on the yard.  Can you see the trees growing up through the deck and all over in the playground?  But imagine it after some hard work….. This summer is going to be awesome.  Pool Party at my house!

I can’t wait to show the “after” pictures when we have the yard looking great.

Blessings Part 2

Laundry is one of my least favorite things. I wouldn't mind it so much if I could ever get it under control and KEEP it that way. We seriously have mountains of dirty clothes at my house. It is hard to keep up with it all when I am working full time. My mother came up with a GENIUS idea that I am calling blessing #2. In addition to watching Kaiden for me, she is also washing my laundry and making meals for my family 4 nights a week!!!

HALLELUJAH!!!

No, this is not slave labor. I am paying her and I think it will work out well for both of us. Okay, more for me. But it IS all about me...At least on my blog. ;o)

We are starting on our first week and I am LOOOOOVING it. I can't remember the last time I could actually see the entire floor in my laundry room. I mean I actually washed blankets. You know, the ones that sit in your laundry room for 6 months because you barely have enough time to wash everyone clean underwear let alone a blanket? I drop it off and then pick it up all folded and hung up and ready to put away. I still keep some of our laundry but what she does really helps me have time to spend with the kids after work. Then the meal thing is awesome. No deciding what to make after a long work day, no clean up, no 3 hour trip to the grocery store, no more stunting my kids growth from too many Ramen Noodles....

One night this week I actually sat down and watched TV with Kenny. I SAT DOWN AND WATCHED TV!! That never happens. The kids were in bed, everyone had eaten dinner and I didn't have any laundry to do so I just sat. And it was nice. I am so grateful for this whole arrangement and for my wonderful mother!

MOM YOU DA BOMB DIGGITY! (spell check did not like that sentence!)

Blessings

I try to remember to recognize God's hand in my life and to be grateful for the small miracles and blessings I receive everyday. Many times it is easy to explain away how things happen or to take credit for solving our problems through our own cleverness. I want to keep a grateful heart because then I really do see how God can bring all things together to benefit my life. Sometimes I get so busy I forget to stop and piece things together, forget to be thankful, forget to recognize the Lord. There have been some changes in our lives and as I sit back and think about them I can see the blessings. I can see the process that led to the change and I know that there was a reason all these things happened and I do not think it was coincidence. I am grateful.
I work full time and Kaiden has been attending day care for several years without any worries. Over the summer something changed at the place he was attending and he became very anxious and upset when I would drop him off. He is a laid back, sweet boy who is not prone to fits but he was throwing all out tantrums when I would leave and it would literally take all I had not to burst into tears after I dropped him off and left. I felt so sad and guilty and I started leaving him home with Kelsey during the summer because I couldn't bear to take him and have him be so unhappy. I started to worry and stress about the end of summer and what I would do when Kelsey couldn't watch him anymore.
A few weeks before school started my mom asked me about the possibility of taking Kaiden. Things were changing for her as well...She decided to part ways with her employer and would be staying home. I cannot tell you the relief I felt having an answer to this dilemma. When I told Kaiden he would be going to Grandmas house he was sooo excited! What a blessing not only for me but for my son! I know all these things worked together for our good.
Thank you mom for helping in our little miracle.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Another year gone by! I turned 33 this year and had a fantastic day. Kenny always does a great job of finding the perfect gift and making sure I have a good day. I was spoiled this year and got a tanning package, 1 hour massage certificate and spa certificate. I am excited for a little pampering. That is the kind of thing I wont spend money on myself for so it's nice when you get it as a gift. Thanks Kenny! While at work I received a fun balloon bouquet with a gift attached. It was from my mom and dad and I was super excited to open up a new ipod shuffle. (my son borrowed mine, left it in his pants pocket and it went through the wash.) My friend Jenalee gave me a disc with over 600 songs on it. It contained a lot of music that I loved in the 90's that is hard to find. So now I have the most awesome music mix on my ipod and I have been rocking out for the last several weeks. After a fun lunch with my coworkers at Buddy's, I came home to find my house clean...not just picked up, CLEAN! That was so nice. Kenny and Kelsey worked hard to get that done for me. To end a perfect day, Kenny took me to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays and it was YUMMY! My in-laws gave me a beautiful pair of silver earrings that I love and I recieved many birthday wishes from friends and family. It was the best birthday I can remember in a long time.

Never enough time...

My dear friend Liz came to Pocatello to visit before she moves back to El Paso. I was so excited to see her and spend time with her. We don't talk very often and so it feels like we are rushing to pack months worth of information into a few hours worth of conversation. We were having dinner and just getting started on a long night of girl talk when Kylie burned her arm. I rushed off and didnt get to see her until the next day. She was planning on hitting the road that morning but she waited for me to finish Kylie's doctor appointments and we had lunch together. I really appreciated her waiting for me! I was hoping to have more time to talk and to have a chance to say goodbye. We had a great lunch and as I knew it would, time flew by way too fast. It was so good to see her! She got on the road pretty late...around 2:30. Liz, you are so awesome! Thank you for arranging your schedule to spend time with me. This week I have been remembering all these things I wanted to tell her but didnt have time to.
I am excited for Liz to have her husband home. He has been serving in Iraq for a very long time. She is an incredible woman and friend!
(She looks so great. I on the other hand look like I went to bed at 2AM because I was at the Emergency Room all night.)

How precious life is....

I was at the old house a few days after Christmas cleaning. I was enjoying the quiet time I had to think. I had my elbows in soapy water when my cell phone rang. Kenny was on the other end. I asked him what was going on and he said, "I almost died." I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was not joking around. He had driven up Gibson Jack to get a Skid Steer to bring back to the car lot to plow snow. He and one of the salesmen from work loaded the 11,000 lb machine onto a trailer and started back down the road to town. There is a stretch of road that is downhill with a corner. The edge of the road at the corner drops away to a steep valley. Kenny had the brakes on and was only creeping along when they came to the hill. Before they started down he joked to the other guy that the Skid Steer was so heavy it might push them off the cliff. That became a reality as they were slowly sliding down the hill. Kenny was not pushing the gas and had the brakes on but the heavy trailer was pushing them forward. He tried to turn at the corner but the road was so slick that they kept heading for the edge. The other guy opened the passenger door to jump out. Kenny realized at that moment that if he jumped out the trailer would run him over and crush him and if he stayed the trailer would likely crush the truck he was in as it crashed down the cliff.
I asked him what happened, how had they survived. He said he didn't know. At the last minute he gunned the gas and pulled it out of the slide. He was still dazed and in amazement that they had not gone over. I talked about him leaving me alone with 4 children to raise. He said as this was happening in slow motion, that was all he was thinking about. Me and the kids.
After we hung up I could not shake the somber feelings I had. I kept thinking about how precious life is. How everything I know could change in an instant. How all the little things that we fight about don't really matter. How we should never forget to tell the people we love how we feel about them. All that matters is that we make the best of the time we have here. How quickly we forget. We have a scare that shakes us up but soon we become numb and go back to our old habits. Taking everything for granted.
I am so thankful that his life was spared that day. I do not doubt that he was being watched over and protected.
I have put off this post because of how real the feelings are still. Even now as I type I am shaken. I hope I remember these feelings and hold my family a little closer.

Moving Week

This will probably be my last post for a while until things get settled down. My house is total chaos and disaster. We are trying to get packed, yet still live. The official move day is December 26th. Crazy, I know! I have mourned the loss of this house and I am really excited about our new house. We will try to finish getting everything packed this weekend and will be "camping" in our house until Friday. I am sure we will be bumming meals on Christmas Day from family. Hey, at least I don't have to cook, right? We should be able to finish up moving our stuff on the 27th and that will give me a few days to get the old house cleaned...any volunteers? LOL. I have been trying to clean as I go so that it will not take long.
If you need our new address, email me at tenaesimpson@msn.com and I will get it to you. We are turning off our home phone on the 29th and will be using our cell phones from here on out. If you need our #'s email me for them as well.
If I don't see you or talk to you before Christmas, I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
I am very thankful for my family and friends and am keenly aware of all my blessings. I am looking forward to my family's "Goal Day" on Jan 1st. I will be posting all the exciting things we will be working on this year.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Suzie I love you!

Susan, my AWESOME sister-in-law babysits Kaiden while I go to work. She is one of the kindest people I know and it is such a releif to know he is with her. I know it is challenging to take someone elses child all day everyday, and I am so lucky to have her. She loves Kaiden and he adores her. I know he is happy there. She sent these cute pictures of the boys.