My Heart is Full

 

Have you ever watched God work a mighty miracle in your heart? Have you ever felt that your heart is so full it might literally burst? The joy that I feel at this moment in my life is beyond words….but I want to try to capture it and write it down.  I want to hold onto the precious truths that have been poured into my soul. I want to remember all the tiny miracles and tender mercies the Lord has shown me daily.

It has been a journey that started for me in May. If you were to take a look back in time just one year ago, I was obviously in a much different place in my life spiritually. I have always believed in God and in His son, Jesus Christ, however I have not been a true disciple of Christ.  How could I claim to be His follower when I did not follow His commandment to love and serve ALL His children.  I definitely did not follow His commandment to Judge Not. I was also holding onto grudges and allowing the great deceiver to whisper in my ear often. As I look back over many past experiences and think of all the people I have crossed paths with, I cringe and my heart hurts.  For I know my thoughts, words and actions were not full of love.  And the most important thing I have learned on my journey is that LOVE is the answer to everything. We are here to love each other.

I have wrestled with whether or not I want to write these things on my blog. I realize it is very different for me to talk about things of a spiritual nature. Many will welcome inspiration. Some will not.  I pray that the testimony I share here in the future will strengthen you and build you up. 

My joy is so great and my heart is so full that I cannot stop myself from wanting to sing it from the rooftops!  God is real!!  Jesus Christ is real!! There is a reason we are here. We each have a very important mission to fulfill. 

I don’t have a lot of time to post tonight but want to leave you with these scripture that speak to me. And a song that I love.

“Behold, He changed their hearts: yea, He awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word;" Alma 5:7

“ …a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.” Alma 5:13

“….ye have experienced a change of heart, and ….. have felt to sing the song of redeeming love…” Alma 5:26

When I lose my way, find me

This last year was a crazy one for me. And not in a good way. I am seriously glad to see 2011 come to an end.  I always write a post reviewing the past year and welcoming the new but it has taken me some time to force myself to sit down and write. When I think back over the year I envision a big fat rollercoaster screaming along at top speed with me hanging off the back car holding on for dear life. To others it looked like I was lounging in a rollercoaster car with my feet propped up and a peaceful smile on my face as I calmly embraced the ups and downs on the ride. And that is how depression works.  No one around you knows how desperately you are trying to keep it together.  No one around you knows that you are struggling to keep a smile on your face when you all you want to do is cry.  No one knows…..sometimes you don’t even know it yourself.

Let me fast forward to October of 2011.  I was sitting in my kitchen making tiny clay angry birds for my sons birthday cake.  I started to cry and I never stopped. I called my mom and didn’t say anything.  I just sobbed.  She told me what I knew she would.  Then I called my sister and I didn’t say anything.  I just sobbed hysterically.  She told me what I knew she would. With their encouragement, I got in my car and drove myself straight to the Community Care.  I met with a very kind doctor and when all was said and done, I left with a bottle of Cymbalta and a diagnosis of depression.

This was my thought process at the time- Depression? No…… Not me!  I mean, I have always been a happy person.  I always look for the positives.  Everyone gets in a rut sometimes, right? It’s something that I should just be able to snap myself out of.  I am strong! I made it through my husbands 6 year drug addiction and I came through it just fine….so why am I unable to cope now when my life is actually pretty good?  I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I have to take a pill to make myself happy. I know it runs in my family, but I’m different. I should be able to pull myself together.  My life isn’t bad…..so why do I feel so unhappy, alone, hopeless, angry, resentful, crazy? Why can’t I stop crying? Maybe if I pray real hard it will all go away….except I don’t want to pray.  Actually I don’t want to do anything.  If I could lay in my bed alone all day I would. What would people think if they knew? I’m a failure. 

Let’s rewind to February.  I had a doctors appointment to change my birth control….I know, I know,TMI. But it all goes along with the story so just go with it or quit reading. I had been experiencing some major anxiety for a few months and decided to talk to her about that while I was there.  I detailed my family’s history of depression and explained my symptoms.  She dismissed it as nothing and so did I.  In what would turn out to be a horrible, uneducated, last minute decision, I got my first Depo Provera shot. My anxiety increased through spring and I just tried to work through it. Still having no alternative bc plan, I went back and got my second Depo shot in May.  Second horrible, uneducated, last minute decision.  Obviously I am not a fast learner. After the second shot I gained 17 pounds in ONE WEEK!! SEVENTEEN! I started to have extreme mood swings. I was angry and aggressive and depressed. My poor husband took the brunt of all this. It was confusing and exhausting.  I called my doctors office to describe all the symptoms and ask them if they were related to the shot.  They told me no but I knew my body was reacting to the Depo.  I got online and found more info about Depo.  The most common side effects were 1. Weight Gain 2. Loss of Libido 3. Aggression and 4. Depression.  Hmmmmm. Check, check, check andddddd check. Awesome.  I decided not to go back on anything and let the years and years of bc hormones work their way out of my body.

Summer came and things got a little better. I think the sunshine was the biggest contributing factor there.  But as autumn rolled around, I took a very quick turn for the worse.  I was angry.  At everything.  I was bitter and consumed with my disdain for certain people.  Everything bothered me and I was SO negative.  I quit caring.  My house was a disaster and I didn’t care enough to clean it. I didn’t do anything I enjoyed.  I found no happiness in my family.  I was irrational and throwing out crazy ideas.  Want to hear a few?  I wanted to quit my job (that I love), get a divorce (from the man I love) and run away (from the kids I love). WHAT the WHAT?  I had opened up to my sister and she had talked to me about depression before my phone call in October.  I knew it was a problem but you never really know how bad it is until you are doing better and can look back from a healthy place. I know now that I was probably a few days away from a complete breakdown.  I am glad I went to the doctor when I did.

I saw an immediate change when I started taking the Cymbalta.  It was such a relief to be happy and calm.  After about a month a wonderful thing happened.  I started to catch glimpses of a girl I haven’t seen for awhile.  You may know her. She is really silly and fun and happy. I have missed her. I am so thankful to live in a time where we have access to pharmaceuticals that can greatly help us. I have a new understanding and compassion for people who deal with depression and other mental illnesses.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I was reassured to find that many people take anti-depressants for a short period of time and then discontinue use (with their doctors help) and are fine.  I plan to continue taking it for 6 months and then I will re-evaluate where I am.  It is something I hope to wean off of in one years time.  But we will see.

So back to my thought process from earlier….Here is what I know now. I am a happy person, I do look for the positive.  I was in a rut.  It’s not always something you can snap out of.  Sometimes the chemicals in your body do their own thing.  It is not a fault or a weakness….it just is what it is.  I am strong.  I did make it through some crazy stuff and now I have one more life experience to share with others. I am not embarrassed to be taking Cymbalta.  It has given me my sanity back and probably saved my family. Did I become depressed because it’s hereditary? Maybe.  Was it triggered by my birth control change? Possibly. It doesn’t really matter why it happened because now I can say my life IS wonderful and I say a prayer of thanksgiving each day.  I am definitely not a failure and last but not least, what will people think? Probably many of the same things I thought.  Because there is a huge stigma surrounding depression. But I don’t mind what people think.  I want my struggles on this journey called life to have meant something. I want to use my life experiences to reach out to another who is silently hurting.  To say, it’s okay.  I have been there.  You are not alone.

I am so grateful for my husband.  He was married to a CRAZY person this year.  Up and down and all around!  Last year I posted this song that speaks to my heart.  There is one verse that especially rang true to me this year.  

So when I lose my way, find me

When I lose loves chains, bind me

At the end of all my faith

to the end of all my days

when I forget my name, remind me

He truly did find me when I had lost my way, when I ran out of faith, and he reminded me when I forgot who I was.  If I didn’t know it before, I know now more than ever that this man loves me unconditionally and he stood by my side through some very rough days and nights, even when I was unkind and lashing out. Music is so powerful.  I wish I had the talent to write a song to express how I am feeling.  Every once in awhile I find a song that completely describes a particular time in my life.  This song by Sarah McLachlan really sums up the rock that Kenny was for me this year.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day

The last few months of 2011 have been good.  Healing.  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas. Life was progressing along nicely and then……..

**********************************  BAM!!!   ***************************************

Kenny lost his job on the Wednesday after Christmas. Out of the blue.  We totally did not see that coming. So that kind of left us scrambling to figure some things out.  But you know what?  It will be okay.  I believe there is a reason everything happens.  Maybe 2012 holds a new challenge or lesson that God wants us to learn.  Even with a job loss as a start to the new year, I am looking forward with hope that 2012 will be a year of personal happiness for me.

Soul Searching

I have been going through a spiritual drought. I haven't been praying, except when there's a "crisis" and I need something.  And then I don't pray again.  I haven't been reading my scriptures.  I haven't been teaching my children gospel truths at home. I haven't been listening for the spirit to touch me.  I haven't been cultivating a grateful heart. I haven't been giving service to others. I've just been spiritually numb.

I've also been thinking alot about my kids and the things I am NOT teaching them. I feel this tightening in my chest as I realize how quickly time is ticking by. Life just gets in the way and I'm so busy that those important things get pushed aside for tomorrow and then the next day and then they never happen. Life has become a routine.  Eat, work, chores, repeat. With no time made for God. 

We decided last minute to take a family camping trip over the weekend.  I was trying to get out of town on that Saturday by a certain time and had this enormous to do list looming.  I ran around all morning barking orders and yelling at the kids.  I was not being kind or patient towards my little ones. We finally made it on the road and were headed on our "relaxing family trip".  I sat there in the car and thought about my actions. My harsh words, my example.  I was out of control and I regretted treating my kids that way.  I tried really hard the rest of the weekend to let my kids be kids and to just enjoy their unique personalities. In that I succeeded.  We did have a relaxing weekend and I loved spending time with my family.

 I really reflected alot on the irony....me creating a hostile environment because I was in a hurry to get packed for a relaxing environment. I thought about it all week and then I read this blog post by Jami at Hello from the Nato's (one of my FAVORITE bloggers). She talks about "a gentle nudge towards a more intentional, thoughtful consideration of my children's spiritual lives...instead of being on cruise control." It really touched me and made me realize how much harder I need to try, how much more my kids deserve and how much I am letting my kids, myself and my Father down.

The good news? It was the first spiritual fluttering I have felt for awhile, which is a start. Today I checked her blog again and found this follow up post.  It is a must read! In this post she shares a link to a blog post written by the author of the book "Loving the Little Years".  The article was like a sucker punch to my stomach and literally brought me to tears.  I have my perspective back.

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

July 14, 2011|by:Rachel Jankovic|Category:Commentary

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A few years ago, when I just had four children and when the oldest was still three, I loaded them all up to go on a walk. After the final sippy cup had found a place and we were ready to go, my two-year-old turned to me and said, “Wow! You have your hands full!”
She could have just as well said, “Don’t you know what causes that?” or “Are they all yours?!”
Everywhere you go, people want to talk about your children. Why you shouldn’t have had them, how you could have prevented them, and why they would never do what you have done. They want to make sure you know that you won’t be smiling anymore when they are teenagers. All this at the grocery store, in line, while your children listen.

A Rock-Bottom Job?

The truth is that years ago, before this generation of mothers was even born, our society decided where children rank in the list of important things. When abortion was legalized, we wrote it into law.
Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get. In fact, children rate below your desire to sit around and pick your toes, if that is what you want to do. Below everything. Children are the last thing you should ever spend your time doing.
If you grew up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood, to think like a free Christian woman about your life, your children. How much have we listened to partial truths and half lies? Do we believe that we want children because there is some biological urge, or the phantom “baby itch”? Are we really in this because of cute little clothes and photo opportunities? Is motherhood a rock-bottom job for those who can’t do more, or those who are satisfied with drudgery? If so, what were we thinking?

It's Not a Hobby

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.
Christian mothers carry their children in hostile territory. When you are in public with them, you are standing with, and defending, the objects of cultural dislike. You are publicly testifying that you value what God values, and that you refuse to value what the world values. You stand with the defenseless and in front of the needy. You represent everything that our culture hates, because you represent laying down your life for another—and laying down your life for another represents the gospel.

Run to the Cross

But a Christian should have a different paradigm. We should run to to the cross. To death. So lay down your hopes. Lay down your future. Lay down your petty annoyances. Lay down your desire to be recognized. Lay down your fussiness at your children. Lay down your perfectly clean house. Lay down your grievances about the life you are living. Lay down the imaginary life you could have had by yourself. Let it go.
Death to yourself is not the end of the story. We, of all people, ought to know what follows death. The Christian life is resurrection life, life that cannot be contained by death, the kind of life that is only possible when you have been to the cross and back.
The Bible is clear about the value of children. Jesus loved them, and we are commanded to love them, to bring them up in the nurture of the Lord. We are to imitate God and take pleasure in our children.

The Question Is How

The question here is not whether you are representing the gospel, it is how you are representing it. Have you given your life to your children resentfully? Do you tally every thing you do for them like a loan shark tallies debts? Or do you give them life the way God gave it to us—freely?
It isn’t enough to pretend. You might fool a few people. That person in line at the store might believe you when you plaster on a fake smile, but your children won’t. They know exactly where they stand with you. They know the things that you rate above them. They know everything you resent and hold against them. They know that you faked a cheerful answer to that lady, only to whisper threats or bark at them in the car.
Children know the difference between a mother who is saving face to a stranger and a mother who defends their life and their worth with her smile, her love, and her absolute loyalty.

Hands Full of Good Things

When my little girl told me, “Your hands are full!” I was so thankful that she already knew what my answer would be. It was the same one that I always gave: “Yes they are—full of good things!”
Live the gospel in the things that no one sees. Sacrifice for your children in places that only they will know about. Put their value ahead of yours. Grow them up in the clean air of gospel living. Your testimony to the gospel in the little details of your life is more valuable to them than you can imagine. If you tell them the gospel, but live to yourself, they will never believe it. Give your life for theirs every day, joyfully. Lay down pettiness. Lay down fussiness. Lay down resentment about the dishes, about the laundry, about how no one knows how hard you work.
Stop clinging to yourself and cling to the cross. There is more joy and more life and more laughter on the other side of death than you can possibly carry alone.
Rachel Jankovic is a wife, homemaker, and mother. She is the author of "Loving the Little Years" and blogs at Femina. Her husband is Luke, and they have five children: Evangeline (5), Daphne (4), Chloe (2), Titus (2), and Blaire (5 months).

Tonight I am feeling grateful.  Grateful that my heart has been touched.  Grateful that I have the opportunity to continually improve as a woman, a mother and a daughter of God.  Grateful for the children that God has entrusted to me and grateful to all the mothers around me that are examples to me everyday.

My Resolve.

I have been thinking about my resolutions for the new year.  I wanted to find goal that would encompass all the things I want to work on.  My main goal is to be a better person this year.  To expect more of myself and hold myself to a higher standard.  To be kinder. To be more understanding. To give the benefit of the doubt. To refrain from judging. To give hope. To give strength. To leave people better. Better for knowing me. 
 
I read several blogs with the idea to come up with one word instead of a list of goals. I liked this idea combined with mine above. I thought about it for a few days and last night as I was drifting in that fuzzy, peaceful state between awake and asleep, it came to me.  My word is UPLIFT.
 
I feel a flutter of excitment and hope in my heart when I think of the happiness and peace I will feel as I strive to uplift my family and those who are placed in my path this year.
 
Happy New Year and God Bless.
 
When we love the Lord, we seek less for things that benefit us and turn our hearts toward things that will bless and uplift others. -Joseph B. Wirthlin
 

Create

What a powerful message for all women. How quick we are to criticize ourselves and list all the things we are not. A good reminder of the magnificence of life and the power we hold if we reach beyond the small mindedness of the world. Enjoy

Finish Strong

Great message and very inspiring.

Sore thighs and Rainbows

Yesterday I did walking lunges and squats. ALOT of them, and man am I feeling it today! I can barely lift my legs high enough to clear one stair and sitting down or standing up is painful! I am expecting it to be worse tomorrow. ;o) Today I needed to bike for one hour as part of my training for the half marathon so I put Kylie in the bike trailer (she weighs 45 lbs) and off I went. THE PAIN! THE AGONY! Just kidding it wasnt that bad, but boy did it BURN! On my way home it started to get a little stormy. I love summer rain storms when it is hot out side but the wind is cool and it smells so good. The last 2 miles home are up hill and I was trying to justify getting off my bike and walking it.....when I saw it. The most brilliant and beautiful rainbow I have ever seen! It was almost completely connected from one arc to the other. The colors were rich and ran together.. red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple. I was mesmerised and my mind drifted to when I was a little girl and I would lay on the grass and look at a rainbow until it faded away. It filled me with hope and reminded me of the beauty of this world that God created for me. Everytime I see a rainbow I feel like God is sending me a message. Something to brighten my day, something to remind me of my blessings.

RELAY FOR LIFE

Last night I participated in my first Relay for Life event. The Holiday Inn, where I work, put together a team. If you are not familiar with this organization, it is a group for survivors of cancer, their families and for the friends and families who have lost a loved one to cancer. The event took place on Davis Field at Idaho State University. We set up our canopies and tents at our site and hauled our blanket pillows and treats in. I brought Kendall, Kylie and Kaiden with me. (Kelsey was performing in the Wizard of OZ) We had a great evening. Kenny came and picked up the boys and I kept Kylie with me through the night.
It was so inspiring to see the survivors make the first lap around the track. The crowd lined the sides of the track to applaud their bravery and tears flowed freely from those who had made it through. When a girl not more than 10 walked by, bald head covered with a hat, I was humbled and thankful that my children are healthy. Each team then waited to be called and made their way around the track with their banner. From this point on, one person from the team was to always be walking the track.
Later in the night when the sky became dark, they had the luminaria walk. The luminarias are white paper bags with sand and a candle inside. Each bag was purchased and lovingly decorated in memory of someone gone, someone survived. They turned the lights off in the field and asked for everyone to make a lap in silence. I had Kylie in hand as we made our way slowly, solemly around the track. I was overwhelmed as I walked past hundreds of luminarias. Some had pictures of those who succumbed to cancer, some had endearing names...one bag for a small boy had pictures of Pokemon and other things he loved. My eyes still tear up at the image forever burned in my memory. Kylie was especially affected by this event. She became very reverent and quiet (if you know Kylie, this is very unusual) When we had almost finished the lap, she became very worried when she saw a bag with the name Hall. (my maiden name) She aksed if that was our family member. I whispered to her that the name on that bag was someone else, but that her grandpa Hall's mother, Emily, had passed away from cancer when I was a little girl the same age as her. She was truely touched and wept softly for those who had passed away. She and I sat quietly for several minutes and let the power of the moment reach our hearts.
The rest of the night passed quickly. Kylie fell asleep shortly after midnight. It was very cold, and we finally headed home at 5AM.
I have always wondered how a bunch of people lighting candles, or walking or whatever else, could really make a difference to a cause and I dont know that my walking around will make a difference in the fight against cancer, but one thing is for sure ~ It made a difference in the heart of my daughter and me.
If you have never attended this event, I encourage you to find out when your community is holding it and attend!

TEAM HOYT

I had to post the video to the right of my page. It was so inspiring! If you have not already watched it, get kleenex.....you will cry. I dont really need to say anymore about the clip. If you watch it you will understand. Enjoy.