Soul Searching

I have been going through a spiritual drought. I haven't been praying, except when there's a "crisis" and I need something.  And then I don't pray again.  I haven't been reading my scriptures.  I haven't been teaching my children gospel truths at home. I haven't been listening for the spirit to touch me.  I haven't been cultivating a grateful heart. I haven't been giving service to others. I've just been spiritually numb.

I've also been thinking alot about my kids and the things I am NOT teaching them. I feel this tightening in my chest as I realize how quickly time is ticking by. Life just gets in the way and I'm so busy that those important things get pushed aside for tomorrow and then the next day and then they never happen. Life has become a routine.  Eat, work, chores, repeat. With no time made for God. 

We decided last minute to take a family camping trip over the weekend.  I was trying to get out of town on that Saturday by a certain time and had this enormous to do list looming.  I ran around all morning barking orders and yelling at the kids.  I was not being kind or patient towards my little ones. We finally made it on the road and were headed on our "relaxing family trip".  I sat there in the car and thought about my actions. My harsh words, my example.  I was out of control and I regretted treating my kids that way.  I tried really hard the rest of the weekend to let my kids be kids and to just enjoy their unique personalities. In that I succeeded.  We did have a relaxing weekend and I loved spending time with my family.

 I really reflected alot on the irony....me creating a hostile environment because I was in a hurry to get packed for a relaxing environment. I thought about it all week and then I read this blog post by Jami at Hello from the Nato's (one of my FAVORITE bloggers). She talks about "a gentle nudge towards a more intentional, thoughtful consideration of my children's spiritual lives...instead of being on cruise control." It really touched me and made me realize how much harder I need to try, how much more my kids deserve and how much I am letting my kids, myself and my Father down.

The good news? It was the first spiritual fluttering I have felt for awhile, which is a start. Today I checked her blog again and found this follow up post.  It is a must read! In this post she shares a link to a blog post written by the author of the book "Loving the Little Years".  The article was like a sucker punch to my stomach and literally brought me to tears.  I have my perspective back.

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

July 14, 2011|by:Rachel Jankovic|Category:Commentary

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A few years ago, when I just had four children and when the oldest was still three, I loaded them all up to go on a walk. After the final sippy cup had found a place and we were ready to go, my two-year-old turned to me and said, “Wow! You have your hands full!”
She could have just as well said, “Don’t you know what causes that?” or “Are they all yours?!”
Everywhere you go, people want to talk about your children. Why you shouldn’t have had them, how you could have prevented them, and why they would never do what you have done. They want to make sure you know that you won’t be smiling anymore when they are teenagers. All this at the grocery store, in line, while your children listen.

A Rock-Bottom Job?

The truth is that years ago, before this generation of mothers was even born, our society decided where children rank in the list of important things. When abortion was legalized, we wrote it into law.
Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get. In fact, children rate below your desire to sit around and pick your toes, if that is what you want to do. Below everything. Children are the last thing you should ever spend your time doing.
If you grew up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood, to think like a free Christian woman about your life, your children. How much have we listened to partial truths and half lies? Do we believe that we want children because there is some biological urge, or the phantom “baby itch”? Are we really in this because of cute little clothes and photo opportunities? Is motherhood a rock-bottom job for those who can’t do more, or those who are satisfied with drudgery? If so, what were we thinking?

It's Not a Hobby

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.
Christian mothers carry their children in hostile territory. When you are in public with them, you are standing with, and defending, the objects of cultural dislike. You are publicly testifying that you value what God values, and that you refuse to value what the world values. You stand with the defenseless and in front of the needy. You represent everything that our culture hates, because you represent laying down your life for another—and laying down your life for another represents the gospel.

Run to the Cross

But a Christian should have a different paradigm. We should run to to the cross. To death. So lay down your hopes. Lay down your future. Lay down your petty annoyances. Lay down your desire to be recognized. Lay down your fussiness at your children. Lay down your perfectly clean house. Lay down your grievances about the life you are living. Lay down the imaginary life you could have had by yourself. Let it go.
Death to yourself is not the end of the story. We, of all people, ought to know what follows death. The Christian life is resurrection life, life that cannot be contained by death, the kind of life that is only possible when you have been to the cross and back.
The Bible is clear about the value of children. Jesus loved them, and we are commanded to love them, to bring them up in the nurture of the Lord. We are to imitate God and take pleasure in our children.

The Question Is How

The question here is not whether you are representing the gospel, it is how you are representing it. Have you given your life to your children resentfully? Do you tally every thing you do for them like a loan shark tallies debts? Or do you give them life the way God gave it to us—freely?
It isn’t enough to pretend. You might fool a few people. That person in line at the store might believe you when you plaster on a fake smile, but your children won’t. They know exactly where they stand with you. They know the things that you rate above them. They know everything you resent and hold against them. They know that you faked a cheerful answer to that lady, only to whisper threats or bark at them in the car.
Children know the difference between a mother who is saving face to a stranger and a mother who defends their life and their worth with her smile, her love, and her absolute loyalty.

Hands Full of Good Things

When my little girl told me, “Your hands are full!” I was so thankful that she already knew what my answer would be. It was the same one that I always gave: “Yes they are—full of good things!”
Live the gospel in the things that no one sees. Sacrifice for your children in places that only they will know about. Put their value ahead of yours. Grow them up in the clean air of gospel living. Your testimony to the gospel in the little details of your life is more valuable to them than you can imagine. If you tell them the gospel, but live to yourself, they will never believe it. Give your life for theirs every day, joyfully. Lay down pettiness. Lay down fussiness. Lay down resentment about the dishes, about the laundry, about how no one knows how hard you work.
Stop clinging to yourself and cling to the cross. There is more joy and more life and more laughter on the other side of death than you can possibly carry alone.
Rachel Jankovic is a wife, homemaker, and mother. She is the author of "Loving the Little Years" and blogs at Femina. Her husband is Luke, and they have five children: Evangeline (5), Daphne (4), Chloe (2), Titus (2), and Blaire (5 months).

Tonight I am feeling grateful.  Grateful that my heart has been touched.  Grateful that I have the opportunity to continually improve as a woman, a mother and a daughter of God.  Grateful for the children that God has entrusted to me and grateful to all the mothers around me that are examples to me everyday.

GOSSIP...It hurts when it's about you.

This post has been rolling around in my head for 4 months......

For the eternal optimist like me, most posts on my blog are happy.But you know, sometimes life is hard.  And sometimes life isn't perfect.  And sometimes you just need some time to fall apart. Sometimes our blogs show a perfect little life. Cute kids, darling husband, beautiful house, yada yada yada. Here's the thing....my life isn't perfect.  Gasp! What? Well, it's not.  I yell at my kids when I get stressed. I haven't scrubbed my bathroom in a few weeks.  My kids fight.  Alot.  Finances are stressful and the list goes on.

Isn't it crazy that we are all so concerned about what everyone else will think about our not perfect life? Actually it's sad.  Can you imagine what a support we could be to one another if we didn't have to worry about being judged by others?  Who do you know that isn't dealing with something - illness, death, addiction, financial problems, a wayward child, marital problems or loneliness. It seems like a such a waste to go through heart wrenching experiences only to hide them away.  What good our knowledge could be for someone struggling through the same thing. Sadly we have to guard against the judging words and thoughts of others, because they can be so cruel. I know that only too well.

My family has been through some pretty heavy stuff.  Substance Abuse. Addiction. Co-dependency. And all that goes with it....which is lots and lots of pain, despair, gripping fear and hopelessness.  For everyone involved.  But you know what?  We made it through. And life is good. We still have hiccups and days when the past threatens to overshadow our future. And then I remember how strong we are. And we press on. And we fight.  And life is good, oh so good.

Judge not.  That was the lesson God wanted me to learn last year.  I know this because I had to learn it over and over AND OVER again.  It was really hard for me to learn this lesson because there was no reason for people to judge my family.  Even harder to learn a lesson when the judging was directed at my husband....who did nothing wrong. Unless you consider taking a job opportunity that would greatly bless your family, as something wrong. Harder still when the judging is coming from people you considered friends.  See the thing about being open about your life challenges and your past, is people are all too quick to throw them back at you....usually after lots of embellishing. Or they take it upon themselves to remind you of all the reasons you shouldn't try anything new because you are sure to fail.....being "that" kind of person and all.  We took a different job and the chatter began.  And it made it's way back to us. Daily.  And the comments were mean and hurtful and untrue....which made it all the more painful. I was mad.  I was hurt.  I was disappointed. And most of all confused.  I wanted to lash out and retaliate. I wanted to confront. But what I learned was I had to do the hardest thing of all.  Not judge those judging us. And that took a lot of tears and prayers and swallowing of pride.  When I was able to see it for what it really was, which is this-

"Misery truly does love company, and jealousy creates some of the most miserable people. Surpass the achievements of your particular social crowd or your business colleagues, and look out for the slings and arrows of those who wish you were back where they are. You have to dodge the snide remarks and catty comments. Let them roll right off you. Don't internalize them. Only pay attention to feedback from those who have similar goals or who are working actively alongside you to achieve goals of their own." Denis Waitley

I felt sorry.  Sorry for those judging.  And I knew I could not judge them because then I was no different than they. And it reminded me again how careful I should be that I never cause that kind of pain to another because I am judging without ever having walked in their shoes. It reminds me to be sure no careless comments escape my lips and make their way to my brother. Because who am I to judge?

"There is really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: “Judge not.” "

Thomas S. Monson

How precious life is....

I was at the old house a few days after Christmas cleaning. I was enjoying the quiet time I had to think. I had my elbows in soapy water when my cell phone rang. Kenny was on the other end. I asked him what was going on and he said, "I almost died." I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was not joking around. He had driven up Gibson Jack to get a Skid Steer to bring back to the car lot to plow snow. He and one of the salesmen from work loaded the 11,000 lb machine onto a trailer and started back down the road to town. There is a stretch of road that is downhill with a corner. The edge of the road at the corner drops away to a steep valley. Kenny had the brakes on and was only creeping along when they came to the hill. Before they started down he joked to the other guy that the Skid Steer was so heavy it might push them off the cliff. That became a reality as they were slowly sliding down the hill. Kenny was not pushing the gas and had the brakes on but the heavy trailer was pushing them forward. He tried to turn at the corner but the road was so slick that they kept heading for the edge. The other guy opened the passenger door to jump out. Kenny realized at that moment that if he jumped out the trailer would run him over and crush him and if he stayed the trailer would likely crush the truck he was in as it crashed down the cliff.
I asked him what happened, how had they survived. He said he didn't know. At the last minute he gunned the gas and pulled it out of the slide. He was still dazed and in amazement that they had not gone over. I talked about him leaving me alone with 4 children to raise. He said as this was happening in slow motion, that was all he was thinking about. Me and the kids.
After we hung up I could not shake the somber feelings I had. I kept thinking about how precious life is. How everything I know could change in an instant. How all the little things that we fight about don't really matter. How we should never forget to tell the people we love how we feel about them. All that matters is that we make the best of the time we have here. How quickly we forget. We have a scare that shakes us up but soon we become numb and go back to our old habits. Taking everything for granted.
I am so thankful that his life was spared that day. I do not doubt that he was being watched over and protected.
I have put off this post because of how real the feelings are still. Even now as I type I am shaken. I hope I remember these feelings and hold my family a little closer.

Basic Math

Im a republicrat

I applied to be in an organization called Leadership Pocatello. It is sponsored by the Chamber of Commerce. Only about 26 people are selected. We meet once a month for an entire day and learn different leadership skills. Yesterday and today we had our overnight retreat. Before the retreat they told us that we needed to take a list of different issues ie: environment, healthcare, taxes, iraq, etc and decide what was most important to us. Then we had to study the different candidates and decide who was better. When we got to the retreat we had to discuss these same things in a group and come to a group consensus.

I was really stressing about this for a few weeks because, as embarrassed as I am to say it, I have never really taken the time to figure out where I stand on politics. I always just leaned towards what my parents voted. I dont even know enough about each party to decide if I am republican or democrat....thus I have dubbed myself a republicrat. ;o) I really want to decide for myself what I believe and to back that decision with facts that I have searched out on my own. I talked to several people whose opinions I respect. I had the discussion in the groups at my retreat, I did some online research and I am still feeling very overwhelmed, confused and frustrated. I don't know who the right person is. I don't know who is being honest. When people this week have tried to sway me to their position, I want them to be able to back up with FACTS why they stand where they stand... this is a very hard thing to accomplish. I am not knowledgeable about different aspects of the issues. This makes it really hard to understand a lot of what is going on. During the height of my experience, I became very overwhelmed and anxious about our world. Politics make you take a good hard look at how bad things really are and it is scary. At the end of it all, I did come to my conclusion.

I will turn to the Lord and pray about it. That is the best that I can do at this point. He can help me to sort out the confusion. And most importantly, I will be praying for this country. We need it!

The Tortoise and the Hare

Back in January I decided to do something big, something that would push me past my comfort level. I decided to run a race. I have been training all year on and off. When I committed to run a half marathon, my sister Becky printed up a training schedule for me to follow. It was a 12 week training that began with 3 mile runs and continued to add a mile each week. It rotated running days with long bike rides and strength training. Saturdays were the long runs. So a month into the training you are running 6, 7, 8 miles etc. It really takes a big time commitment. I found myself running late in the evenings, that being the only time I could cram into my busy day. Early in my training I became lazy and was not sticking to it. My sister called me to give me "the talk". She told me that if I didn't stick with my schedule I would not be able to make the long Saturday runs, and if I didn't keep up on my long Saturday runs, I would never build up the endurance to finish the half marathon (13 miles). I needed that boost from her. I got back on track and was pleased to find that I could run for several miles and not be winded, my legs started to get toned and shapely...with my chicken legs, that was a big bonus! ;o) It felt good to run.
Near the end of my training, I had a combination of things happen. I had crazy days at work, some stuff I was dealing with at home, and I just fell into a funk. I quit my training for about 2 weeks!! By the time I pulled myself out of whatever rut I was in, the race was only 2 weeks away. I started to run again, and quickly realized that I had lost some of the endurance I had built up and that I would not be able to finish the half marathon. I changed my race to the 10K. I thought about the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. The Hare thought he could just sprint to the end and finish, but it was the Tortoise who remained steady, kept his pace, and finished in the end. I think that there are a lot of areas in my life that are just like this race. I forget to put in the slow and steady work, and think I can just wing it or sprint to the end, but life doesn't always work that way. I wonder how many things I will not be prepared for when the end of my life comes....how many things that I procrastinated, figuring I could just do it really quickly at the end.
I was disappointed in myself for changing races, because I know deep down that if I had been more committed, I could have continued my training and run the race that I set out to run. Excuses, are the reasons that I quit my training.
Race day came last Saturday. I was really excited to run and it was an awesome experience. I set a goal to run the 10K in 55 minutes which is a 9 minute mile. The run was great. It was exhilarating to run with all those people. I think that over 800 people registered. I took 4th place in my age division and 10th over all. I ran the race in 59:14. Not quite my goal, but under an hour so that is good. I think if I had not stopped to walk for a minute at one point, I would have taken 3rd. :o) That is the competitive side of me coming out! The end of the race was a little funny...as I rounded the corner to the last stretch of the race, I could see a huge banner strung across the road up ahead. The Finish! I surged ahead and sprinted as fast as I could. As I neared the banner I realized that people were not stopping. Up ahead about 1/3 mile I saw another banner that was the finish line. HOLY CRAP! I have to keep sprinting??!! I had spent all my energy, but didn't want to slow down just as I was approaching the end and my family waiting to see me finish. I continued to run full speed the rest of the way. I about fell over when I crossed! How exciting to have my kids and husband there to see me accomplish my goal.
Next year, I WILL run a half marathon. I will be the tortoise, not the hare.

I will post pictures soon. This picture is from a fun run that I ran a few months before the final race. That is my sweet mother in law, Cheryl.

Looking Back

This weekend has been two years since I made a life altering decision. I have had many thoughts running through my head as I think back to my life two years ago and where I am today. Was it really only two years ago? The 6 years prior to this day were filled with turmoil, sadness, and pain. Those 6 years seemed to drag on endlessly and I was trapped in a world partly of my own making.

The last two years have been filled with healing, forgiveness, peace, growth and happiness. This was possible because I finally empowered myself enough to take a stand. My life is incredibly boring. Most days are the same. There is no drama, no crazy stories...and I LOVE IT!

My mind is filled with faces. Faces of the people who loved me and my family. Faces of people who helped me find my courage, faces of people who did not judge. It brings me to tears when I think of these kind souls, for they will probably never know what they mean to me. Thank you Liz...for being there for me through the thick of it....for loving me even when I became a burden to you, for being the strength that helped me take the biggest step. Thank you mom and dad....for sitting back helplessly and watching me struggle and then welcoming me with open arms when I was ready. Thank you Trenna....for just loving me and my family, for not judging, for sitting by me in church and reaching out to me during those tough lessons in RS. Thank you Lisa....for helping me cope during the opening of my eyes, through the days when I was so lonely, for standing up for me in the face of your family, for being a strong woman for me to learn from. Thank you Ken and Cheryl....for being supportive even though it was breaking your hearts. Thank you Aaron....for the assistance to live, for taking a stand with me. Thank you Ray and Christie....for being the truest friends to both of us, for not judging, for giving second and third chances. Thank you Spjute family....for rallying around my family, for reaching out time and time again, for cheering for our success. Thank you....Bill for being the voice of reason, the glimmer of hope, the assurance of choices. Thank you...Gina for helping me to find myself again, for your guidance, for helping me to forgive and let go. Thank you.... to all the friends and family who prayed for me and for my family. I will forever be grateful to you all.

The past has been difficult and I have lived a lot of things that I would not wish on anyone. Even after all this, I would not trade those experiences, for they are the foundation of who I am today. I see the world differently. My future is unsure. But one thing is certain, I KNOW WHO I AM, and I will never lose sight of that again.