When I lose my way, find me

This last year was a crazy one for me. And not in a good way. I am seriously glad to see 2011 come to an end.  I always write a post reviewing the past year and welcoming the new but it has taken me some time to force myself to sit down and write. When I think back over the year I envision a big fat rollercoaster screaming along at top speed with me hanging off the back car holding on for dear life. To others it looked like I was lounging in a rollercoaster car with my feet propped up and a peaceful smile on my face as I calmly embraced the ups and downs on the ride. And that is how depression works.  No one around you knows how desperately you are trying to keep it together.  No one around you knows that you are struggling to keep a smile on your face when you all you want to do is cry.  No one knows…..sometimes you don’t even know it yourself.

Let me fast forward to October of 2011.  I was sitting in my kitchen making tiny clay angry birds for my sons birthday cake.  I started to cry and I never stopped. I called my mom and didn’t say anything.  I just sobbed.  She told me what I knew she would.  Then I called my sister and I didn’t say anything.  I just sobbed hysterically.  She told me what I knew she would. With their encouragement, I got in my car and drove myself straight to the Community Care.  I met with a very kind doctor and when all was said and done, I left with a bottle of Cymbalta and a diagnosis of depression.

This was my thought process at the time- Depression? No…… Not me!  I mean, I have always been a happy person.  I always look for the positives.  Everyone gets in a rut sometimes, right? It’s something that I should just be able to snap myself out of.  I am strong! I made it through my husbands 6 year drug addiction and I came through it just fine….so why am I unable to cope now when my life is actually pretty good?  I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I have to take a pill to make myself happy. I know it runs in my family, but I’m different. I should be able to pull myself together.  My life isn’t bad…..so why do I feel so unhappy, alone, hopeless, angry, resentful, crazy? Why can’t I stop crying? Maybe if I pray real hard it will all go away….except I don’t want to pray.  Actually I don’t want to do anything.  If I could lay in my bed alone all day I would. What would people think if they knew? I’m a failure. 

Let’s rewind to February.  I had a doctors appointment to change my birth control….I know, I know,TMI. But it all goes along with the story so just go with it or quit reading. I had been experiencing some major anxiety for a few months and decided to talk to her about that while I was there.  I detailed my family’s history of depression and explained my symptoms.  She dismissed it as nothing and so did I.  In what would turn out to be a horrible, uneducated, last minute decision, I got my first Depo Provera shot. My anxiety increased through spring and I just tried to work through it. Still having no alternative bc plan, I went back and got my second Depo shot in May.  Second horrible, uneducated, last minute decision.  Obviously I am not a fast learner. After the second shot I gained 17 pounds in ONE WEEK!! SEVENTEEN! I started to have extreme mood swings. I was angry and aggressive and depressed. My poor husband took the brunt of all this. It was confusing and exhausting.  I called my doctors office to describe all the symptoms and ask them if they were related to the shot.  They told me no but I knew my body was reacting to the Depo.  I got online and found more info about Depo.  The most common side effects were 1. Weight Gain 2. Loss of Libido 3. Aggression and 4. Depression.  Hmmmmm. Check, check, check andddddd check. Awesome.  I decided not to go back on anything and let the years and years of bc hormones work their way out of my body.

Summer came and things got a little better. I think the sunshine was the biggest contributing factor there.  But as autumn rolled around, I took a very quick turn for the worse.  I was angry.  At everything.  I was bitter and consumed with my disdain for certain people.  Everything bothered me and I was SO negative.  I quit caring.  My house was a disaster and I didn’t care enough to clean it. I didn’t do anything I enjoyed.  I found no happiness in my family.  I was irrational and throwing out crazy ideas.  Want to hear a few?  I wanted to quit my job (that I love), get a divorce (from the man I love) and run away (from the kids I love). WHAT the WHAT?  I had opened up to my sister and she had talked to me about depression before my phone call in October.  I knew it was a problem but you never really know how bad it is until you are doing better and can look back from a healthy place. I know now that I was probably a few days away from a complete breakdown.  I am glad I went to the doctor when I did.

I saw an immediate change when I started taking the Cymbalta.  It was such a relief to be happy and calm.  After about a month a wonderful thing happened.  I started to catch glimpses of a girl I haven’t seen for awhile.  You may know her. She is really silly and fun and happy. I have missed her. I am so thankful to live in a time where we have access to pharmaceuticals that can greatly help us. I have a new understanding and compassion for people who deal with depression and other mental illnesses.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I was reassured to find that many people take anti-depressants for a short period of time and then discontinue use (with their doctors help) and are fine.  I plan to continue taking it for 6 months and then I will re-evaluate where I am.  It is something I hope to wean off of in one years time.  But we will see.

So back to my thought process from earlier….Here is what I know now. I am a happy person, I do look for the positive.  I was in a rut.  It’s not always something you can snap out of.  Sometimes the chemicals in your body do their own thing.  It is not a fault or a weakness….it just is what it is.  I am strong.  I did make it through some crazy stuff and now I have one more life experience to share with others. I am not embarrassed to be taking Cymbalta.  It has given me my sanity back and probably saved my family. Did I become depressed because it’s hereditary? Maybe.  Was it triggered by my birth control change? Possibly. It doesn’t really matter why it happened because now I can say my life IS wonderful and I say a prayer of thanksgiving each day.  I am definitely not a failure and last but not least, what will people think? Probably many of the same things I thought.  Because there is a huge stigma surrounding depression. But I don’t mind what people think.  I want my struggles on this journey called life to have meant something. I want to use my life experiences to reach out to another who is silently hurting.  To say, it’s okay.  I have been there.  You are not alone.

I am so grateful for my husband.  He was married to a CRAZY person this year.  Up and down and all around!  Last year I posted this song that speaks to my heart.  There is one verse that especially rang true to me this year.  

So when I lose my way, find me

When I lose loves chains, bind me

At the end of all my faith

to the end of all my days

when I forget my name, remind me

He truly did find me when I had lost my way, when I ran out of faith, and he reminded me when I forgot who I was.  If I didn’t know it before, I know now more than ever that this man loves me unconditionally and he stood by my side through some very rough days and nights, even when I was unkind and lashing out. Music is so powerful.  I wish I had the talent to write a song to express how I am feeling.  Every once in awhile I find a song that completely describes a particular time in my life.  This song by Sarah McLachlan really sums up the rock that Kenny was for me this year.

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that’s just what we need to get us through the day

The last few months of 2011 have been good.  Healing.  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas. Life was progressing along nicely and then……..

**********************************  BAM!!!   ***************************************

Kenny lost his job on the Wednesday after Christmas. Out of the blue.  We totally did not see that coming. So that kind of left us scrambling to figure some things out.  But you know what?  It will be okay.  I believe there is a reason everything happens.  Maybe 2012 holds a new challenge or lesson that God wants us to learn.  Even with a job loss as a start to the new year, I am looking forward with hope that 2012 will be a year of personal happiness for me.