Answers

I love it when my Heavenly Father answers my questions. I have had a very humbling Sunday and as I try to put into words the jumble of thoughts and emotions running through my head, I hope it make sense.
I think it has been about a month since I have been to church. I hate when I miss it for that long because it makes it harder and harder to go back. When I woke up this morning, I wanted to go back to sleep and just skip again, but I knew I needed to go. I have had several questions rolling around in my head lately. How to handle challenges that I struggle with in my marriage, how to change behavior that I have realized I do not like in myself, worries about debt and finances, and other things that I have been pondering.
When I was at church some interesting things happened. I was sitting in the foyer, (okay...we were late. really late. but at least we made it!) and I looked around and saw the glass case with the bulletins for the ward. I dont know why, but that combined with the hymn being sung, filled my heart with peace and it felt so welcoming, so familiar. It felt like home. After sacrament meeting I got the kids to their classes and headed to my class. When I walked into Sunday School and sat down I looked around and began to feel really inadequate. I felt like I didn't belong and that I didn't really have anyone in the ward to call friend. I felt like no one there really could relate to me or my life. Suddenly, I heard the music of 'A Childs Prayer' floating softly, quietly through the cultural hall from another room, and again a warm peace surrounded me dispelling all my doubts... My Heavenly Father wants me here. He has answers for me.
We were studying Helaman in the Book of Mormon. The teacher asked us to turn to Chapter 5 verse 12. I was touched as I read this passage. It was really the answer to any and all questions I have.... And now, Tenae, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation..... Have I built my foundation? Is it strong enough? that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, yes... I feel the storms... it shall have no power over you to drag you down....
I have become painfully aware of some of the weaknesses in my character. I realize that in my journey to become a stronger, healthier person I have taken my new skill of assertiveness too far on the scale and I have become aggressive at times. I feel that I have a warring heart. I am ready to take offense at every little thing. I am marching off to battle all the time. We read in Helaman 7:16, Tenae, how could you have given way to the enticing of him who is seeking to hurl away your soul down to everlasting misery and endless wo? O repent ye, repent ye! Turn ye unto the Lord your God. Why has he forsaken you? It is because you have hardened your heart... It is painful to read. Why did I give way to Satan's enticing?
I am humbled and reminded what I need to do. I head to Relief Society and the lesson is on finances. I smile. My Father is answering all my questions. I remember the Ensign magazine on my bathroom counter. I havnt read it yet but in my mind I remember that there is an article about being active when your spouse is not. I feel loved and I know my Heavenly Father is keenly aware of me and the things that I struggle with. I feel very blessed that he answered my questions today.
Maybe he packed it all in one Sunday for fear it would be another month before I went back.